Degrassi: Why Can’t I Quit You?
With guest writer Drew Gallagher
Kristina: As I was browsing at the shows to watch on my DVR, my boyfriend agreed to sit through Degrassi. (What a champ, right?) He hasn’t seen it in awhile, but I’ve been avidly watching it since The Next Generation started. I understand this is a show on Teen Nick and that I’m almost 25 years old, but I can’t seem to quit Degrassi. I feel because I started watching it when I was in high school and was able to empathize with the characters. The episodes we watched was “I Want It That Way” parts 1 and 2. I think I still like this show because these episodes were named after a Backstreet Boys song. Take it away, boyfriend person!
Drew: Righty-ho-ho, boys and girls. We got a special one here for you tonight. It involves drug addiction, maternal estrangement, yoga, and car crashes - in short, everything you expect from a typical Tuesday afternoon at Degrassi high. There’s no shortage of melodrama in Canada, apparently. Unlike my girlfriend-person here, I haven’t dropped in on these wholesome children since Snake was shaving his head and the kids were named things like Spinner. So Kris will be taking the wheel here, while I happily play backseat driver.
K: So, Tristan lost 7 pounds in a week, all thanks to the liquid diet! All I can think of is that episode of Full House where DJ is freaking out about being in a bathing suit at someone’s pool party.
D: Yeah, see our boy Tristan here is trying to win the affections of this yoga fanatic kid. Last week, he attended his first ever yoga lesson, and upon failing to realize that you can’t just stroll into a yoga studio and contort your body in whatever-the-hell shape you want your first try, took it to mean he was just a fattie. So, here he is going all Rambo on carbs, rather than just, I dunno, PRACTICING AT YOGA TO GET BETTER AT YOGA.
K: But it’s gotta be worth it because yoga guy is super cute, right?
D:I’ll admit, I did imagine myself practicing yoga in that dark, empty gymnasium with Yoga-Boy.
K: But no! This is wrong, and Tori had the best line of the episode. Wait for it….
D: This just in everyone! Top scholars at Degrassi High have just discovered that food is, in fact, GOOD! No word as of yet on the health effects of oxygen, cancer, and water, though.
K:I think the bigger deal here is why Tori is wearing a party hat. Was any party even mentioned?
D: No, that’s a Canadian thing I think. Every third Tuesday of the month, it’s traditional to wear a birthday hat.
K: So of course, poor Tristan passes out mid-yoga sesh, and winds up in the hospital! Couldn’t they just get the school nurse and a sandwich?
D: The strange thing here is, it’s never really explain what medically happened to the kid. He was practicing with Yoga-Boy, winced, grabbed his shoulder, then fell to the floor. So I mean, what happened here to land him in a hospital bed with machines hooked up to him? It’s been one week he’s been on this hardcore diet.
K: This is some DJ Tanner after school special kind of shit. Let’s see what’s up with Alli!
D:Oh, right. When last we left, she was breaking hearts left, right and center, and taking speed given to her by a young President Obama.
K: His name is Dallas, but I wouldn’t expect you to remember. Anyway, she was accepted by MIT’s early admission to graduate a year early. But MIT is SERIOUS WORK GUYS. How can she stay up and have one night of fun? Oh yeah, by taking a storyline from Saved by the Bell’s Jesse Spano caffeine breakdown.
D: As the episode kicks off, we see Alli hanging out with her friend Claire, who I swear to God looks like Hazel Wassername from 30 Rock’s little sister or something. Anyway, Alli mentions Dallas going to this Jay Z concert with her, and Claire isn’t too cool with that. Mostly because, just a week ago, Alli dumped her boyfriend - who seemed like a nice enough guy - because she was so busy with this MIT business, and now she’s flirting with Obama here. Also, from what Claire says, Obama is kind of a dick.
K: Yes, he gave her beer on school grounds and totally crashed her birthday party. NOT COOL MAN. Tweaking Alli needs to get that ticket back, so she knocks on his glass door (the glass door every teen on tv has in their room) at 2 am to get it back. Suggesting Dallas to apologize is a good idea, but Alli thinks he could do better- like RAP-OLOGIZE.
D: Not since somebody unleashed the Leprechaun into the hood has a rap this genius been spun. It’s better than Tupac, it’s better than the Beastie Boys. Why it’s… RAP-TASTIC.
K: Dallas, good thing you play hockey, cause Jay-Z would never let you open up for him.
D: But good news, everyone! Dallas could still find a lucrative career pushing cheap speed. Just ask Alli, who I swear to god is freaking out at every possible opportunity. Every time I was just waiting for her to start shrieking “I’m so excited! I’m so excited!” Before she bursts into tears.
K: But he is now worried about her, being that she’s only slept for an hour. She starts getting sleepier than I am right now, and of course she’s driving to the concert. Good thing her father came in to tell her that her car is insured!
D:I know. It’s almost as though he was informed by some higher power. Something crafting the very fabric of the universe. WRITING their very fate, you might say. And then this WRITER-type creature decided to use Mr. Alli’s dad as an avatar of it’s divine foreshadowing.
K: So she falls asleep at the wheel, crashing into a parked car. She admits everything to daddy, and you can see how disappointed he is at his super smart daughter.
D: Yes. So disappointed in fact, that when she suggests perhaps being overworked is what led to this whole thing, daddy says they should just go home and she should take a nap. By nap he means, “We’re going home and I’m giving you more speed if it means MIT.”
K: Last but not least, we have the Imogen/Fiona storyline! And perhaps the least interesting of the 3. Don’t you agree, boyfriend?
D:Yeah, they were there, too.
K: Imogen is accusing Fiona of stealing her mother? Is she gonna call the cops? But yes, Fiona’s missing her mom in New York, and has been bonding with Imogen’s. This makes Imogen jealous that they don’t seem to have that kind of relationship. Well, she plans on leaving the 2 of them alone, while she visits her mom for the weekend. That’s basically it.
D: Oh, but this is one of your articles, girlfriend person. How can we end this without commenting on someone’s outfit? And wouldn’t ya know it, Imogen just so happens to be wearing one that I can only assume was released by the Pebbles Flintstone line.
