11 Rules to a Successful Korean Drama

This was going to be a Devil’s Advocate but seeing as people like reading stuff with numbers and far less thought or writing, I went with a list.

1. Fur is abundant like a forest wildlife reserve

One would think they were in Brighton Beach, damn they will put fur on anything and I love it. If you can have a leather tie, why wouldn’t you? WHY?!

2. Every chance to promote their song career/other dramas/sports drinks will be made

You better like the theme song, because you’re about to hear it 20 million times, and that’s just in your sleep. I seriously can no longer bear to hear “Almost Paradise” for one more second. They use those few words of English and pound them inside your brain. I imagine it’s close to sneaking up on someone and then whisper-shouting “Dream high!”

Of course America isn’t absent from blatant cross promotion, but actors/singers are usually failures (other than Miley Cyrus, do we really want to hear any of these kids’ albums?). It’s much more competitive in Korea but that’s cool, they totes love us lazy bastards.

3. Some weird dude with glasses is always dispensing advice and facilitating dreams

For such extremely attractive youngsters, there’s always those odd looking adults who definitely put the “character” in actor. But of course, they are the wisest of us all because they’re not pretty children with recording contracts; they’ve got time on their hands.

4. Crying and snow

It’s not snow, but jeez l’m exhausted and it’s white.

Do bad things ever happen in good weather? I’m starting to wonder if rain is responsible for 80% of teen heartbreak. But snow provides a cool landscape for the guy to tie his scarf around a girl or lend her his shoes because she inexplicably can’t keep her clothes or her feet dressed when the weather gets too cold.

5. The bad guys are bejeweled and the fight scenes are choreographed

That’s seriously the most understated he dresses on the series and that tie has crossbones on it

The fights on KDramas are either the whole student body trying to kill some 70 pound girl or unified henchmen. I mean when have you seen something so cool on an American soap opera? It’s always two boys thrashing around in on a school lawn or shoving a guy in someone’s vomit on the bleachers.

6. Cute Children and Curly Haired Moms

The cruel truth is not all children are attractive. But at least in the teen Korean soap opera world, they can be. They can give lots of unhelpful advice, cute comebacks and spastic comedy sequences.

7. There’s a transparent geek to chic transformation, and by transformation I mean clean clothes

It’s like She’s All That but significantly lazier and lower budget in wigs. If it’s a girl, she’s probably tall, a Lolita that carries dolls (it distracts from her secret plastic surgery) or chubby. If it’s a boy, he’s an idiot or a gangster. Gangster in any way you decide to consider it.

8. Wicked moms and crazy aunts

To counteract the adorable kids and parents, the flip side of the coin is the maternal instinct to keep your child from their dreams and step on them before they ruin your plans. It’s not like you had these kids for their own wills, they’re born serfs; an extra pair of hands. The crazy aunt will back you up when she’s not drunkenly hitting on boys half her age and trying to scam money from nightclub owners.

9. Flashbacks

The pilot episodes are always insanely confusing but once you finally get the gist they always recap for like, half the show. Seriously, that happened 10 minutes ago, we didn’t forget.

10. Do nice stuff, save someone from getting beat up, cry about a sad shared childhood memory (possibly with the female lead in the past) and you’ll get the girl

Guys - All you gotta do is pick up her pencil case once in awhile when she drops it (she should be accident prone for your benefit) and make sure creepy men don’t force a date on her (because that implies the sex), and you’ve got her heart. You might be able to kiss her not once, but twice the whole series. Unless you’re the first guy she liked, then you’re dead in the water.

Ladies - Yell in his face, hit him for no reason, then crumple and cry because you’re strong …until you need him.

11. Foreigners are stupid

Even if you watch Nickelodeon which occasionally even offends me on their racist remarks or assumed entitled knowledge, but luckily in KDramas it’s usually a valiant battle for love or a dance off or whatever. Japan is to Korea like Canada is to America, although we know who gets the last laugh in both these battles. Hell anyone outside of Seoul is ripe for the picking.

Although damn, Korea, why is there always that one dude who wants to speak vague English phrases and pretend he lived in America? Is anyone fooled by this? Is it cooler because he calls himself Jasper instead of Jun Ho?